This behavior stems from the old days when men were more important to women than other women. Of course jealousy, envy and poor boundaries also play their role.
But if you’re a sister, you don’t behave in this ghastly way says Kuriansky. “To blindside your friend is bad karma and it’s the ultimate betrayal… you lose all kinds of trust in women and men. Meanwhile, it puts friendship itself to the test.”
If you’ve recently lost a lover to a girl friend, here are some ways to cope:
Allow Yourself Anger
You were betrayed. It’s natural to feel like you want to spit in your friend’s face and pull her hair out. But you’re sweeter than revenge. Seek support instead. Get to therapy. You need an advocate or trusted adviser to help you sort out your feelings. Or, confide in your real friends. Feel your feelings and breathe through them, knowing that this too shall pass.
Learn to forgive and forget, adds Stacy Phillips, divorce attorney and author of Divorce: It’s All About Control – How To Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars. “It does you no good to carry anger and resentment around because you’ll take that into your next relationship. That’s the last thing you want to do.”
Count Your Blessings
Who needs enemies when you have friends like these? It’s important to realize that this person was never really your best friend. Be glad that you have not wasted any more of your time with either of these people.
“If you release what you love and it leaves you, then it never loved you in return,” says Joan Bramsch, mentor. “When your best friend steals your guy, you should eventually rejoice that you’ve discovered the truth now and not later.”
After going through the grieving, the loss will clear the way for new blessings. Having endured and learned from the experience, any new friendships, either platonic or lover, would be measured at a new higher level. “Disappointments like these teach us,” says Bramsch. “They teach us that we deserve better and we’re never going to settle for less again.”
Review Your Judgment
Of course you need to forgive yourself too. Don’t blame yourself for the actions of others, yet do review your judgment. What was your relationship like with your friend? How strong was your relationship with your former partner? Were things about to end? Were there signs that you may have overlooked? How did you become involved in a “love triangle” in the first place – the setting for a real “fatal attraction” situation?
Meanwhile, are you yourself a sister? Do you understand that us women must stick together?
Once you’ve taken an honest look at the situation, don’t wallow. Use the event as an opportunity to learn not to make the same mistake again, says Philips. “Also, be careful who you trust. Look around you as you cope and make sure your other friends are people who have complete integrity.”
Learn Your Lesson and Move On
Life is too short to obsess over things and people who are not worth it! No matter how out-of-the-blue a BFF/BF hookup might seem, there are signals. Here are some subtle yet dangerous signs:
- Your GF is asking some invasive questions about your man.
- She acts shy or giggles uncontrollably when he’s around, even when the comments clearly aren’t funny.
- She’s calling you less frequently. And when she does talk to you, you’re intuition tells you something is fishy.
If you expect foul play, find your guts and casually confront your friend. Don’t straight out accuse her of trying to pilfer your man; be diplomatic. Say something like “I know you wouldn’t let a man come between our friendship but I am sensing that you have feelings for my man.” Hopefully this will open the waves of communication and she will be honest with you either way.
Consider that she may not even realize she’s crushing on your BF. If you suspect this is the case, distance yourself from her. And remember, a boyfriend can’t be stolen unless he wants to be, which brings us to the flip side of the coin. What if your boyfriend is the one with the wandering eye?