One style of attachment is a secure attachment. This is one of the primary attachment styles that are seen in the psychological models that shows how people act in different kinds of relationships.
A secure attachment is a stable attachment, and it is something that most people will see when they are dating someone. If you are wanting to be in a relationship that is serious, the best style for you is probably one that is a secure attachment.
People will get their attachment style from childhood. This comes from the way that the child is treated by their caregiver and parents. The way that a person acts, how they treat you, how they treat themselves and how they take care of their needs are some of the traits of attachments. The way that someone handles their emotions and socializes with others is the way that they will also interact with those around them.
When a person has a safe and secure childhood, they are normally going to have a secure attachment. This is one that was formed in childhood and the person will normally keep this attachment forever.
Secure Attachment in Adults
Here are some signs that you have a partner that has a secure attachment:
- They are good at talking to each other: They express the feelings and thoughts easily.
- Supportive: They attach to people and will be able to support and help them. They believe in self-worth.
- Empathy: These people have strong empathy, and they take care of themselves and take care of you. They don’t feel guilty for self-care.
- Honesty: This is a person that can say what they are feeling, and they communicate without playing games.
- Boundaries: They have boundaries, and they are able to follow them. If you overstep the boundaries that they created, they will tell you in a kind way and they expect the same.
- Compromise: This is a person that won’t be upset if you don’t agree with them.
- Commitment: They don’t get scared of being committed to someone in a long-term way. They aren’t afraid to be intimate.
- Trusting: They trust, and they are people that won’t get jealous or doubtful unless there is a real reason. They are also very faithful.
- Growth mindset: They aren’t afraid of being intimate or committing to others. They connect with people, and they stay by your side no matter what.
- Resentment: They have had bad things happen to them, but they don’t resent anyone or hold it against them.
Developing a Secure Attachment
There are other styles that aren’t so healthy such as an anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant attachment style and these are styles that aren’t so healthy. The habits behind these styles are hard to break.
The first thing that you need to do is to make sure that you understand the behaviors of people around you. If you notice that someone is following these behaviors, don’t wait and talk to a therapist that can help.
Another thing that you can do for yourself is to find someone that is going to have a secure attachment style before you ever start dating. Decide what kind of partner you want to attract and see if you find one that is calm, that stays consistent and one that is secure in who they are. If they aren’t available to you emotionally, they might have an unhealthy attachment.
Having a partner that is secure is going to help you to be emotionally safe and it allows you to avoid things such as codependency and other things that can be bad for your relationship. Here are some ways that you can have a secure attachment with someone:
- Don’t take things personally.
- Know the emotional needs and express them to your partner.
- Be honest.
- Be direct.
- When you are acting clingy work on yourself.
- Be vulnerable sometimes.
- If you get uncomfortable, face it.
- Go slow and have your partner’s interest in mind.
- Learn to regulate your emotions.
- Don’t run away when there is a problem.
- Try not to react to everything.
- Have strong boundaries.
If you want to put the work into any relationship, you can help to shift one kind of negative attachment style to a more secure attachment style. You must learn to be patient with your partner and with yourself. Having an unsecure attachment can be unhealthy and if you are the one that has this then make sure that you are letting go of any hurt or resentment from a caregiver. It is your responsibility to put in the effort to love yourself and to have a secure attachment.