“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than bread.” ~Mother Teresa
Indeed, it is true that a lot of people are starving for food but what hurts the most is when a person starve for love from someone they love so deeply. It’s heart crushing. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over four years. We’ve had our fair share of great times and not so pretty moments, but this summer our relationship was put to the test.
During that time, I went through some major transitions with my career and personal development, all things that needed to happen for me to be the best version of myself.
Those months were filled with long hours of working and being alone, solely focusing on creating the future I wanted. I was in deep, chasing my dreams, and wouldn’t let anything get in my way.
Here are some things that happened to me and him along the way:
- As time went on, I noticed that my partner was slowly slipping away.
- It wasn’t that he wasn’t coming home or was nowhere to be found. He was responding to the fact that I had lost focus on him.
- I was failing my partner in the following ways:
- I didn’t say thank you for all the little things he did for me.
- I didn’t ask him how his day was. Instead, I was eager to share how my day went.
- When I faced an obstacle with my goals, I would be rude and short with him.
- Instead of greeting him with a smile when he arrived home, I treated him as if he was a burden getting in the way of the work I needed to do.
- Rather than planning and spending time with him, I would work late into the evening.
Lastly, I wasn’t present with him. When I did spend time with him, all I did was think about work.
My actions and behaviors were so self-centered that I stopped thinking about how he was doing, how his day went, and what he needed support with.
The end result was that he withdrew from me. Here is how this went:
- At first, I thought he was no longer interested in me, but I eventually came to realize that I wasn’t even close to meeting his needs. And what he needed was simple appreciation.
- He had hinted at it several times in his own way, but I’d had blinders on.
- After months of neglect, my boyfriend and I sat at our kitchen table making small talk and slowly tiptoeing into the conversation of what was and wasn’t working in our relationship.
He said, “All I ever want is for you to appreciate me. I don’t need you to cook for me or get all dressed up or buy me things. All I want is to be appreciated.”
His honest and vulnerable declaration brought me to tears. I realized then that I had been causing my partner significant pain and suffering for no reason.
So, with my heart on the table, my eyes swollen from crying, and a common ground of love to move forward on, I told him this: “From now on, I will appreciate you—the big, the small, the silly, and imperfect. I will appreciate it all. I may not be perfect in my practice of appreciation, but I am committed to it, so much so that I have added it to my morning routine.”
Much like the gratitude journal I write in every morning, I now have a journal dedicated solely to all the things I value about my partner.
Every morning I set aside time to think of three things I appreciate about him. I do this even when I’m not feeling up for it. I take my time and feel every emotion that comes up as I write down my list of three items.
I also make an effort so show my appreciation in action. My partner’s love language is “acts of service,” meaning actions speak louder than words. He feels loved when I do things for him coupled with expressing my feelings for him, so I now strive to show him that I love him with acts that require planning and thoughtfulness.
The Value of Appreciation
I never thought that simply reminding myself how much I appreciate my partner would cause a ripple effect in how I interact with him, but it has.
Since starting my appreciation practice…
I easily forgive his mistakes, such as forgetting to do something I ask him to do to support me, or not being sensitive enough and open to my feelings when I feel overwhelmed. I’ve grown to love his mistakes because they remind me of what it is to be imperfect. After all, I’m not perfect, and I can’t expect him to be either.
I appreciate his faults and quirks. Like hitting the snooze button when he needs to get out of bed. And forgetting to eat throughout the day because he’s too busy teaching college students. And running behind schedule most of the time. We all have faults. His reminds me all over again why I fell in love with him. In all reality, we complement each other nicely.
Here are some other things I deeply appreciate about my partner:
- I appreciate his smile and his one-of-a-kind laugh.
In recognizing all that my partner does for me and my future, I feel a love so powerful that just thinking about it brings me to tears. When I recognize what my partner does and when I recognize how he feels, this is what happens in the relationship:
- My partner feels appreciated and cared for. He is more eager to engage with me, and more willing to be open and expressive with me. And he talks about the future more than ever.
What Happens When You Don’t Appreciate the People in Your Life
When you don’t appreciate others, your relationships suffer in the following ways:
- The other person feels unimportant and may withdraw from you.
- When your partner feels unappreciated, any talks of the future will be met with resistance. Would you want to build a future with someone who doesn’t appreciate you?
- Animosity may build up in the relationship, on both sides.
- The person feeling unappreciated may find other places, things, or people to seek appreciation from.
- Being unappreciated can lead to unnecessary arguments and resentment.
- Lack of appreciation may completely ruin and end the relationship.
How to Start Appreciating the People in Your Life
If you’ve recognized that you could make a little more effort appreciating the people in your life, dedicate a notebook solely for this purpose. Start your day by jotting down three things you value about this person. At the end of thirty days, give them your notes of appreciation. Rinse and repeat.
But appreciation doesn’t just live within the mind. Sure, it’s wonderful to think about all the things you value about someone, but when you don’t vocalize or show your appreciation, it means nothing.
You can start appreciating others in your life by:
- Leaving them notes thanking them for who they are and what you appreciate about them.
- Saying thank you and acknowledging the little things they do every day.
- Giving specific examples of what they have done and how that has enhanced your own life.
- Appreciating their flaws and quirks. The little imperfections are what make people unique. They may feel insecure about them. Let them know how you appreciate their imperfections, and why.
- Giving someone a hug when they help you out or put a smile on your face.
- Doing something unexpected; brighten their day by buying them a cup of coffee or stopping by to let them know that you love them and appreciate them for being in your life.
Like Tony Robbins said, “Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”
Appreciation strengthens the bonds you have with others, no matter the relationship. It replaces a mindset of not having enough with being grateful for everything you have. And most of all, it creates space to be thankful for the little things in life.
What a beautifully written and heartfelt article. Your introspection and willingness to change are commendable. The concept that appreciation can transform relationships is something that I firmly believe in, and your experience reinforces that notion. I found the practical steps you provided for showing appreciation particularly useful. They are simple yet effective actions that can make a significant difference. Thank you for sharing such a personal story and offering valuable insights that we can all learn from.
Well, isn’t this just a classic tale of modern relationships? Get so engrossed in your ‘personal development’ that you forget the person standing right beside you. It’s a wonder how people manage to overlook basic human decency in their quest for self-actualization. Perhaps a little less navel-gazing and a bit more empathy would do the world some good.
This article serves as a reminder of the often overlooked but crucial element of appreciation in maintaining healthy relationships. The step-by-step process of implementing a routine of appreciation is a practical takeaway that readers can apply in their own lives.
This article resonated with me on so many levels. The honesty and vulnerability you displayed in acknowledging your shortcomings and making a commitment to appreciate your partner is truly inspiring. It serves as a powerful reminder that even the most driven individuals must not lose sight of the emotional needs of their loved ones. The idea of keeping a journal to record appreciation is brilliant and I believe it can profoundly impact any relationship. Thank you for sharing your journey; it has certainly given me a new perspective on my own relationships.
The exploration of the value of appreciation in relationships is indeed profound. It is intriguing how the subtle act of recognizing and valuing one’s partner can lead to significant positive changes. The concept of keeping a dedicated journal for this purpose is especially thought-provoking.
A humorous yet slightly cynical take: if one needs a journal to remember their partner’s good qualities, perhaps the relationship dynamics are worth a deeper introspection! Nonetheless, the sentiment behind the practice is commendable.
While the article lauds the virtues of daily appreciation, it somewhat trivializes the complexity of relationships. A gratitude journal is a commendable idea, but let’s not pretend that it is a panacea for deeper, underlying issues. Relationships demand multifaceted solutions which often require more than just a ‘thank you.’
The value of appreciation cannot be overstated, and this article poignantly illustrates how neglecting this simple act can have profound implications. While the author’s introspection is admirable, it also serves as a cautionary tale for us all. I would encourage everyone to heed this advice and make appreciation a cornerstone of their relationships.
Appreciation, or lack thereof, seems to be a recurring theme in relationship discourse. The article offers valuable insights into how easily we can take our loved ones for granted. Implementing a daily routine that includes reflection on what we value about our significant others could indeed be transformative. This practical advice is something everyone should consider adopting.
This article serves as a fascinating study in interpersonal dynamics and emotional intelligence. The practice of dedicating time to reflect on one’s partner’s qualities could indeed create a positive shift in the relationship paradigm.
Yes, Jacklyn, it delves into the psychology of relationships in a way that is both practical and profound. A recommended read for sure.
Oh, the irony of needing a journal to remind yourself to appreciate your partner. Whatever happened to natural affection and genuine spontaneity? The mechanical nature of this approach is somewhat amusing.
Ah yes, the ‘I was so focused on my career that I forgot my partner exists’ trope. Classic. Maybe next time, build a shrine while you’re at it, because a journal of appreciation seems just a bit too low effort for someone who apparently missed the basics of human interaction.
Bunny Rabbit, your sarcasm is palpable. While it’s easy to criticize, the author’s efforts to mend the relationship should be acknowledged. Change begins with small steps, and a journal might be one such step towards reparation.
While the intention is admirable, the notion that one should constantly write down appreciations every morning seems impractical and frankly, emotionally laborious. Isn’t it possible that this could create undue pressure to feel thankful daily, especially when the relationship itself might be fundamentally flawed?
The emphasis on appreciation as a key component of relationship satisfaction is noteworthy. The personal narrative adds a relatable dimension to the discussion, underscoring the transformative potential of mindful gratitude practices in interpersonal dynamics.
What a profoundly moving piece. It really underscores the importance of mindfulness and emotional reciprocity in a relationship. Your conscious effort to appreciate your partner is both inspiring and indicative of emotional maturity. Truly, this could serve as a manual for others in similar predicaments.
Absolutely, Green Giant. The significance of gratitude in fostering healthy relationships cannot be overstated. A delightful read!
It does seem emotionally mature, but I worry that such practices might be a tad idealistic for everyone. Thoughts?
The notion that appreciation can transform relationships is compelling. The author’s approach of documenting appreciation and incorporating acts of service aligns well with established psychological principles. It is a practical guide for anyone looking to improve their personal relationships.
This article offers valuable insights into the dynamics of appreciation in relationships. The personal journey outlined demonstrates the importance of being mindful in interactions with loved ones, and the ripple effect such mindfulness can induce is quite enlightening.