Love is one of the most beautiful, natural things in the world. It leaves you vulnerable in the best possible way. It allows you to experience life as never before. It provides a feeling you can’t put into words. But, regrettably, love also happens to be a tricky (and, at times, evil) bitch.
Navigating through love and relationships is one of life’s inevitabilities. However, I hear people constantly choosing the wrong romantic partners. Now, this doesn’t directly pertain to one gender over another. Statistically speaking, all genders equally waste time on worthless relationships.
If your love life isn’t bringing you happiness, maybe one of the following factors contributes to your poor decision-making when determining a suitable partner.
1. You Want What You Can’t Have.
While the thrill of the chase may or may not be part of our DNA, people, especially men, love a challenge. As a result, people who refuse to invest emotionally, or withhold physical or emotional affection as a tool to manipulate their lovers into doing what they want, can become an obsession. Like a gambling addict running a losing streak, men often date a partner long after there’s any hope of breaking even, much less coming out ahead.
What You Can Do to Change
The first thing you can try to do is accept suitors are not trophies, they are people, and not all people are worthy of your time. No matter how attractive or accomplished they may be, it’s no excuse for letting them treat you like dirt. So, the next time you find yourself falling for someone who does not reciprocate your feelings, step back and take a look at what you think it is that makes them so perfect. Consider how they don’t meet your needs—or worse, treat you with disrespect. Does a little voice in your head start making excuses for their bad behavior? That’s a sure sign they’re not the one. Turn up the volume on your common sense to drown out that misguided little voice and move on to someone who truly appreciates you.
2. Commitment Phobia
Some guys subconsciously seek out inappropriate partners because it gives them an out. As much as they protest, they’re looking for love and long-term romance, the reality is, they’re terrified of being tied down. Why? It often boils down to fear of boredom or the feeling they may miss out on someone who might be “a better catch.”
What You Can Do to Change
If you view a relationship as something static that isn’t going to change once achieved, you’re dooming yourself to failure. Healthy relationships grow and evolve, and like a shark, must constantly move forward to remain vital and alive. That said, not even the best relationship is going to be perfect all the time. Are you going to be bored occasionally? Yes. And they will get bored with you, as well. But rather than allowing yourself to fall into a romance-scuttling rut, you can learn to recognize the signs of ennui and shift direction. It doesn’t have to be something crazy. Even a subtle change can get you back on course. And about “missing out?” If you start dating someone who is a good match intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, what could you possibly be missing out on?
3. Beauty as the Beast
Is the media to blame for your poor romantic choices? Partly. Advertising, the Internet, and the cult of celebrity have created a feminine ideal that is as highly appealing as it is virtually unattainable. More and more often, gorgeous women with toxic personalities are seen as the “it girls” of their generation. Physical flaws are erased, while emotional shortcomings are glamorized.
What You Can Do to Change
While there’s no quick fix for this, there’s such a thing as too much media. Turn off your devices and reconnect with your moral compass. Think about how you truly want to be treated, as a living, breathing, feeling, thinking human being. It’s OK to be the hero in your own story, but the most authentic and fulfilling lives are lived as non-fiction. Meet people in the real world. Have a face-to-face discussion. You may learn that a charming person is more satisfying to the soul than all that hype you’ve been ingesting.
4. Mommy Not So Dearest
It’s normal for those who grow up in a dysfunctional family to subconsciously recreate their parental role models’ unhealthy relationships to attempt to heal the psychological wounds, negligence, or abuse they suffered as children. In the best of all possible worlds, every child would get the love and care they need and deserve, but that isn’t the case. Men who grew up with distant, cruel, or even abusive mothers often continue to seek out love from inappropriate or emotionally unavailable partners to fill a hole in their hearts left by their moms.
What You Can Do to Change
People tend to idolize their parents. As a result, the most challenging thing many of us must do is accept our parents are only human and have limitations. Another thing that many find difficult to understand is that you had no control over your parents’ relationships, with each other, or with you as a child. The first step in moving forward is to admit that while your mom may have been incapable of showering you with affection, you deserve to be loved. Reaching this conclusion may require help. There’s nothing shameful about seeking out some sound counseling to guide you to make healthier love choices in the future.
5. Sexual Double Standard
Contrary to popular opinion, women aren’t always looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Sometimes, “Mr. or Ms. Right Now,” is as far as they want to go. Historically, women usually believed that sleeping with someone would lead to a committed relationship and was associated with love—and it was women who were disappointed and heartbroken. These days, the table turns both ways: women might also not be in “relationship-seeking mode” and can be just as interested in the release and pleasure afforded by a quick physical hook-up as a man might be.
What You Can Do to Change
All genders can and do enjoy sex without commitment. If you keep getting your signals crossed, confusing love and lust, you may have to update your romantic radar to include partners who “just wanna have fun.” How? By learning to pay attention to what they’re actually telling you rather than what you want to hear. Just as no really does mean no, when someone says, “I’m not interested in a relationship, but I’d love to hook up,” chances are, they are telling the truth.
Whatever the reason for ending up in a lopsided relationship, there’s no reason to have to stay in one. Instead, take your newfound understanding, and move forward, knowing that with the right intent and perspective, your forever person will find their way into your life.